Ive gone baking mad (in every way)

My dad and I are outside on a warm summers day, drinking tea, times are happy, were having a laugh with my brother, making up silly jokes outside our front garden as my nephew is kicking a ball about with my granddad. Sounds pleasant right? Then I awaken. Yes those are the dreams, or are they torturing nightmares? That I keep waking up from. I have to then realise that they are memories I must treasure, because now all they are is a unobtainable fantasy . Sometimes I wish I’d never wake up from dreamland, because there I am finally flying high in the clouds again.

A full shimmering moon caught my eye last Thursday, I saw the outline of a man shadowed around it. I searched for my camera to take a picture, when I looked back to take a photo, the clouds had rearranged and the ‘man’ had vanished. Was it my dad looking down keeping an eye me? I hope so. Does it make me crazy I think my father was a grey cloud hovering over a moon? Yes its feasible, but that’s me.I keep returning to my haven, my old home. To search for a sign from my father saying he knew Id be ok, and until I find something to prove he knew this, I will always be doubtful.

My family and I visited his grave for the first time together. I saw how much the coffin had sunken another couple of feet into the gritty earth. It’s what remains of him physically, bones in a box. But I know he’s really in heaven. Waiting for us all to join him, when its our time. I’ll slap him when I get there, naturally. Then ill never let go of him. I miss him.

I want that cake cake cake cake cake cake

I turned nineteen two months ago. My friends surprised me with a huge amazing batman birthday cake. I didn’t expect it and felt quite special. It was thoughtful of them, and scrumscious of course. One of my best friends moved to England. Someone I could always turn too and talk anything out with. I miss him, but I’ll visit sometime, I hope. All my friends are back for college and live close to me, there all amazing people and I know I’m lucky to have made all the friends I have in this life.

I had to quit my new full-time job. The pain in my back was and is unbearable. It is the main reason I’m not my old self I used to enjoy being. Walking hurts, lying down hurts, just waking up hurts. I have spent money trying to get better & still it’s not going anywhere. I don’t know what to do financially. For the mean time my savings are keeping me alive, when they go? I’m screwed.

I had so many plans, work, save, then go travel this beautiful narcissistic world. Life doesn’t always go as planned, but I thought after the past few months ‘god’ would grant me some luck of the Irish, and not just some lucky charms, although the marshmallows help a little bit. I need to be active, to distract my mind from the things I think, its how I’ve always been. I think about everything too much, Especially now im sitting all day. My favorite part of the day is the evening time, because I know, night-time will come soon, and I can float away to dreamland.

I am currently listening to Christina Grimmie, a singer I listen to on you tube. She’s one of my inspirations, because I can see how determined she is. I want to be that way again, and deep down I know I really want to be back to who I was, and reach the goals ive always dreamt of reaching. I felt like I was getting somewhere and I really believed you can do anything you want to if you focus. I’ve lost that certainty. Is this back problem a set back to try knock me down again? Or a long-term thing? I don’t know. Will I beat it? I’m not positive I have the energy to beat another dilemma in this life. I’ll attempt. People tell me look on the bright side. I used to be the one to tell the positive stories but its all getting too much and I can’t help people and give the advice I used to give.

What I have learned in the past 2 months is life tries to knock each and every single one of us down and its the toughest that make it through.

I’ll end this post with a quote I heard. One I hope I will be able to use in ten years time.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”


18 thoughts on “Ive gone baking mad (in every way)

  1. Who cares if it’s depressing! 🙂 I find when I write mine that if it’s depressing, at least it’s helping get down on a page why I’m feeling sad in real life..therapeutic and all that shazam! Sher..honesty is the best policy! 😀

  2. Happy stuff is easier than you think to write about..just think of happy moments..they might be small like hanging with friends or something like that! Just write how you feel at those times! 🙂 I’m prettty sure no-one will read mine..the fact that my friends don’t know about it will probs see to that!

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