My dad and I are outside on a warm summers day, drinking tea, times are happy, were having a laugh with my brother, making up silly jokes outside our front garden as my nephew is kicking a ball about with my granddad. Sounds pleasant right? Then I awaken. Yes those are the dreams, or are they torturing nightmares? That I keep waking up from. I have to then realise that they are memories I must treasure, because now all they are is a unobtainable fantasy . Sometimes I wish I’d never wake up from dreamland, because there I am finally flying high in the clouds again.
A full shimmering moon caught my eye last Thursday, I saw the outline of a man shadowed around it. I searched for my camera to take a picture, when I looked back to take a photo, the clouds had rearranged and the ‘man’ had vanished. Was it my dad looking down keeping an eye me? I hope so. Does it make me crazy I think my father was a grey cloud hovering over a moon? Yes its feasible, but that’s me.I keep returning to my haven, my old home. To search for a sign from my father saying he knew Id be ok, and until I find something to prove he knew this, I will always be doubtful.
My family and I visited his grave for the first time together. I saw how much the coffin had sunken another couple of feet into the gritty earth. It’s what remains of him physically, bones in a box. But I know he’s really in heaven. Waiting for us all to join him, when its our time. I’ll slap him when I get there, naturally. Then ill never let go of him. I miss him.
I turned nineteen two months ago. My friends surprised me with a huge amazing batman birthday cake. I didn’t expect it and felt quite special. It was thoughtful of them, and scrumscious of course. One of my best friends moved to England. Someone I could always turn too and talk anything out with. I miss him, but I’ll visit sometime, I hope. All my friends are back for college and live close to me, there all amazing people and I know I’m lucky to have made all the friends I have in this life.
I had to quit my new full-time job. The pain in my back was and is unbearable. It is the main reason I’m not my old self I used to enjoy being. Walking hurts, lying down hurts, just waking up hurts. I have spent money trying to get better & still it’s not going anywhere. I don’t know what to do financially. For the mean time my savings are keeping me alive, when they go? I’m screwed.
I had so many plans, work, save, then go travel this beautiful narcissistic world. Life doesn’t always go as planned, but I thought after the past few months ‘god’ would grant me some luck of the Irish, and not just some lucky charms, although the marshmallows help a little bit. I need to be active, to distract my mind from the things I think, its how I’ve always been. I think about everything too much, Especially now im sitting all day. My favorite part of the day is the evening time, because I know, night-time will come soon, and I can float away to dreamland.
I am currently listening to Christina Grimmie, a singer I listen to on you tube. She’s one of my inspirations, because I can see how determined she is. I want to be that way again, and deep down I know I really want to be back to who I was, and reach the goals ive always dreamt of reaching. I felt like I was getting somewhere and I really believed you can do anything you want to if you focus. I’ve lost that certainty. Is this back problem a set back to try knock me down again? Or a long-term thing? I don’t know. Will I beat it? I’m not positive I have the energy to beat another dilemma in this life. I’ll attempt. People tell me look on the bright side. I used to be the one to tell the positive stories but its all getting too much and I can’t help people and give the advice I used to give.
What I have learned in the past 2 months is life tries to knock each and every single one of us down and its the toughest that make it through.
I’ll end this post with a quote I heard. One I hope I will be able to use in ten years time.
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”