Forever Free

Today is the second of January 2012. It is one year since my fathers untimely passing. This time one year ago, I was waiting for a lift from him after dancing, but I got no answer when I rang his phone and he didn’t show up, I knew something had happened to him, he always answered the phone. Celine suggested I go to hers so we walked to hers and hung out. I was very anxious while there, texting, ringing everyone because I had the feeling it had happened. The day before he died, my dad was spaced out as we walked along Banna beach, he kept telling me he loved me with those precious tears in his eyes. He barely had any tears left as I knew he felt numb. I remember that new years day, we were discussing our plans and how I was going to move to wherever he wanted to move, our plan was New Zealand or Australia. This thought made him really happy, just him and I on an adventure. I thought we together, could work out our problems by escaping to a sunny warm new place. I wish it had happened. But also I wouldn’t have made the friends I made this whole year and learned who my true friends were, so there are some positives from it. I probably would have been burnt alive in a sunny country anyway, the grey clouds of Ireland and rain are for me apparently.

Right now, Ciara Pa and Clare are sitting on the couches in our apartment while we watch she’s the man. We are keeping it real like Ian Beale. The night I was at Celine’s and I realised my father was dead was the worst moment of my life, actually no, when I went to my aunts and I was told for certain, that was the worst moment. I screeched non stop and had to be calmed down. It took a lot after a fit I went through. I was given tea with 5 sugars for some reason to calm me down, I don’t understand why, maybe because I was about to crash. I spent that whole night wondering how I will survive without my best friend? The one I go to for advice, tell all my secrets to and talk to about my friends. But I mean who was he going to tell? 😛

Last night I had this weird dream, it was about someone being hung in a forest and then the rope snapped and the person landed on someone underneath that was going for her daily walk. It was really freaky, I guess I was subconsciously thinking about the whole thing. This time a year ago my dad had decided that he didn’t want to suffer through life anymore, he didn’t want to hear the voices in his head and he just wanted to be free. He had his tea half drunk, his dinner still in the frying pan, as healthy as ever. It was obvious he couldn’t cope anymore. I hope he is free now. I still think about him, nearly every minute of everyday, but I cant seem to really cry anymore, my dad would prefer it that way, seeing as he wont be there to literally wipe away my silly tears anymore.

Ciara has moved into the spare bedroom in my apartment, it’s going to be weird getting used to living with someone again, I’m such a loner who likes to do her own thing in her own ways, but who knows, a change might be good for me. My back is as worse as ever, I’m still on my way of fixing it before I get to go back to work and actually do something worthwhile with my time A few weeks ago I managed to get struck by a car. Being all embarrassed I ran away and didn’t get his name or number plate. I regret I will always have. Meanwhile, hanging with friends, baking, and watching films is the way to go to keep my mind occupied,. There are some other ways too 😉

Mind you I really miss my morning jogs. Heres hoping.

Happy New Year to you all, and don’t sweat the small stuff lads.I hope he will be forever free


2 thoughts on “Forever Free

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, you are too young to have gone through that. My dad died when I was 40 and I still miss him. That’s a good photo, I’m sure your dad would like it.

    Peace to you.

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