I want to be honest with people. But first, I’ve to be honest with myself.
I wrote in my first blog that I was Anorexic, and I was. Being 6 stone in weight and the extreme fear of eating more than the usual amount, made me realize I needed help. Food is necessary to live, and I didn’t want food… The anxious feeling was so overpowering. The fear of over eating destroyed & controlled me. I had a certain amount I let myself eat everyday, if I went over it, that was it, I was in a bad mood and would lay in bed for the rest of the day. One morning, I ate 2 sandwich’s. Which now I do with ease and enjoyment. I believed my world was over because I ate “so much“, I ran frantically from my house down the road, like a delirious lady, as if someone attempted murder. I didn’t know where I was going, I left my phone at home, as I didn’t plan on going back. I had the worst planned in my head
Want to know my deep dark secret? Ill say it but Ill let you know, this is hard to write, I fear people may judge this, say it is inappropriate to post online and disrespectful. If anyone feels this, tell me, Ill take this down. My dark secret plan I had thought about for 2 weeks straight was to jump deep into the ocean, with heavy weights strapped onto my ankles, so that I couldn’t escape while under water if I thought “this is a mistake”, I knew the weights would help my plan succeed. Now after just writing that, I wonder how I ever felt that way? Now I am so glad I went and got help, because I thought about others, not myself. I thought how would my dad feel? How would my family & friends feel? Like a piece of burnt toast I imagine. Rejected, unwanted, useless, and a waste. That thought made me more sad than I ever felt about myself.
Then again, burnt toast ain’t all that bad, because even if I did do that, even if I did do the most selfish thing I could do and leave everyone here by killing myself. Those people that loved me would feel like burnt toast, but there’s always a way to use that burnt toast. Scrape away the nitty gritty black bits, spread some delicious butter on it, or feed it to the birds. The point of this is not to say there’s a valid reason to suicide, it is to prove you can move on and cope if it occurs, if someone does commit suicide, it is no ones fault, and there is always a way to move on.
That day I ‘ran away’ after 8 hours of wandering, I rang my dad off a payphone & asked him to please come help me, he brought me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and Anorexia Nervosa. I wanted to be healthy, I forced myself to eat, I cried while having dinner, now I ask for seconds. I went to a dietitian to be congratulated every week on my weight gain. I was delighted I was getting better, but the stresses at seeing the weight go back on made me angry. It was a vicious cycle of good versus evil. But I wanted to be better, so I done what I had to do.
The past few weeks a whirlwind of emotions regarding my self body image. I cant look at myself in the mirror someday’s, I cover myself up in baggy clothing and I am ashamed to look how I look. But I know this is all down to the fact I cant deal with having a bad back, constant muscle aches & extreme fatigue all the time, I mean how am I suppose to feel good about myself when I actually never feel good in general? I am improving though, talking things out, and seeing things about myself from other peoples perspectives are what put me in perspective and I thank everyone around me who can see who I really am and see past these horrible pains that control me, I apologise but I will try improve, for myself and everyone around me.
Now, go make yourself a lovely mug of tea.