Avoidance? is not the key to open the door.

I should listen to whats written on my body
I should listen to whats written on my body

*listening to “All I Want – Kodaline”*

And all I want is nothing more, than to hear my dad knock at my door. I love this song, immensely. I relate to it a lot in my own way. It makes me think back of so many now revisited memories of my dear daddy. I’m sure when you listen to it, you think of loved ones you have lost, partners your not with anymore, or just something/someone you wish you could have… but can’t.

Dealing with what you cannot change, is difficult. It’s hard to adjust to change. The fact something you were used to, will never change back is scary, and indeed it is. If no one ever got scared, no one would be brave right? Being brave is something we strive to be. But lately, I don’t know how brave I can be. I thought I have been quite brave all along, but today, I went to speak to my councellor. (A lovely lady who I could trust with the deepest of secrets.) But…I don’t. I can’t seem to get the words out. I’m scared. I’m scared of what I will say, I’m scared I wont be able to deal with it, and I’m scared i’ll bring up sad memories. To quote her today (I think) “your world will slowly close up around you” if I stay quiet with her.

I need to be brave. I need to speak about whats on my mind. But I honestly can’t figure out what it is that gets me down from time to time, I block out so much I’m used to ignoring issues. Now I want to face my issues. Great I am *crying*. Why can I type to a computer screen and not speak face to face?

Because it isnt staring straight into my eyes reading them is it? Well the screen is looking at me, but you know. I just want to be better, but I dont know how to…yet! I need to begin a search to figure out what causes this depression that hits me now & then. In a way maybe Im glad? if I never felt down, I’d never feel as good as I do when I feel as happy as a kid on Christmas when with friends & family and seeing all the beautiful sights I see.

I may look confident? But in reality....
I may look confident? But in reality….

I think I just need to be honest with myself, it will take a while as I have covered up for so long. Everything takes time.

Im currently about 3 weeks into the process of recording for the documentary I am involved in. Its giving me something to focus on. (yet another distraction) I spoke to a psychologist in Dublin last week about the tv show. He asked “how will you feel if you get hate comments? there will be a lot of people watching” and you know what? I know I will recieve hate comments, but with the support I get from day to day life from people. No one can possibly bring me down.

Thank you all. Hope the new year resolutions are going strong 😉

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