I have never really loved my body. My view changes, on a daily basis. Does yours? Don’t lie now.
One day I’ll feel good, I’ll feel attractive and will feel like I’m at an average body standard. The next day I may binge out like someone who hasn’t eaten in days on ‘some‘ chocolate && munchies galore, but… then I’ll feel like a fluffy marshmallow, that I wish I could melt away to nothing. But in the moment I just can’t help it. Greed mixed with anxiety is playing me like I am a computer game, and eventually the controller always wins. But I have more lives to play.
Why? Well, Once I was happy with my weight. Literally, 100% I never thought about my weight/body image. Then I hit 16 in 6th year of secondary school and all of a sudden it was in my head, every second of everyday. I don’t know where it came from, and I’ve never been able to get it out of my head completely since. It’s not overpowering anymore. Before, I’ll admit, when I was anorexic. I would bawl my eyes out in front of my dad if I ate one custard cream. I wouldn’t move from the bed for a day or two because that was “bad food“. It was against my own rules to eat “bad foods“, I had my own list, chocolate, sweets, take away was only allowed once a month, butter wasnt allowed on sandwiches, only a drip of milk in tea and I measured out my cereal and limited myself to 500 Calories a day. While exercising & working at the same time. Eventually I hit the 6 stone mark and saw what I had become, ill with an eating disorder.
But now let me tell you, I could(I actually do this) eat two or three packets of Custard Creams. Easily. I kid you not. I have always loved food, cooking, baking, even when I was anorexic I would still love to cook and bake and enjoyed everything about it. But I could never enjoy it myself which saddened me, it was a demon in my mind controlling me, speaking to me, telling me that if I ate one more biscuit my life would be destroyed…….SILLY haw? Yes, at the time I knew it was silly, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to change so I got the help I needed.
But now….I am in the complete opposite of those habits. I will eat until I no longer can fit any more in, I will binge on whatever junk food is in sight, and I will always have regrets. I believe its all because I cannot exercise due to my poopy ass back/hip muscle/ problems. If I could exercise, (dance, play sport again,(wishful thinking) food would not always be on my mind. It shouldn’t be, for one, it is a daily part of life, needed for when one is hungry, but for me its always been more.
Now I am beginning to take control of my nasty habits I dislike. I have began going to the gym. All I do is a half hour of slow exercises. But it is a beginning, as I cannot cope with much with Fybromyalgia/Hypermobility…Whatever the fudge is wrong with me. I’m like a rubix cube that one cannot solve just yet. But this is a start. Wednesdays & Sundays are my “junk food” days and ever other day I will strive to be a healthier more relaxed person.
I am now 10 stone 4.(heaviest weight) By the end of March I wish to be 9 and a half. Numbers are just numbers. But if this is what I need to do to be a little bit more happy in myself, I hope ye can all help me to reach it, and I hope to help you all if ye need help in return. Weight/health issues are a big thing in Ireland and together people can battle them.
Health is your wealth. A lot of my physical health is…falling down ..like London Bridge. But I hope to rebuild my mental health in order to maintain a healthy balance. This will be a beginning of a great journey that will pay off, I promise I will post a photo of me tomorrow morning beginning this, and the result…Once I get there, and I will.
(If you see me at the gym, please don’t judge me, I’m walking very slowly on the treadmill to train my hips into walking like a average person…NOT a penguin)