I have recently started grieving for my dad. At least. I think I have?
I’m not sure, but I sure as hell am frightened if that is what is happening to me. (Or maybe I’m finally living the dream of turning into a superhero with teleportaion powers?) The last two weeks I have cried, a lot. All usually when me myself am in my own company. Hutchy was there once. *Alanna is actually embaressed face*
I literally have burst into hysterical tears twice recently. The reason I believe so is because I am very sad & very angry at my dad, and myself. I am pissed off. I am pissed off at how he just left me here. Just fooked off and left us all here. To what? To go party harty in heaven? To see his mom? To go to hell? Who the frick knows anymore eh? I am sad though. I am very sad. I can’t think about him these days without tears building up behind these tired eyes of mine. I don’t like crying. Because when I do, it really means Im sad. I am frightened of how I will cope with this.
Its been two years since his passing. Yet now, now it is all built up. Fudgecake. I want to hug him. I want to hear him laughing. I still hear him in my head. When I realize its a memory I will never relive? I get scared, that I will forget. That slowly many little memories will escape this brain of mine. Seeing as so many things go on inside of it. I am also sad that I am angry at him. I am angry at a dead person. He’s dead. How can I be angry at someone who is not here to feel the anger? Easily, it comes naturally. Im sure there are many of you angry at people who have taken their own lives too? Whether it be suicide, alcohol, drugs, etc.
One other reason I am really angry at myself is becasue I am taking my anger out on people who havn’t done anything wrong. Hutchy & I had our first…I wouldnt call it a fight, i’d say unfortunate *conflict/discussion. *Clap Clap* For making it nearly a year and half without one. We were angry at each other for our own reasons, but I know I was building up more anger to him because of the situation regarding my dad, and I have realised that, that I cant allow myself show more anger towards someone innocent, who is actually there to help. Is it my defense mechanism? Ya haw.
My way of dealing with anger has been avoidance, but look at me now. Two years later? I’m like the Tazmanian Devil on a sugar high. How will I get this under control? Hmm…. Well I believe to live a happier lifestyle with everyone in your life included, the following are the key ones I believe we should stick to more often. I’m sure it will be a happier world if so. One should try not to run with assumptions, reduce focusing on friends behaviour in the past & holding grudges, (we all change, for better or worse) and less thinking of the worst-case scenario.
They rarely every take place.