This morning. Well…One hour ago. I woke up at 12. Late morning, I know. Yet I am still knackered.
I was woken up by an excruciating pain in my left hip. Its like the muscles have clenched onto everything and tried to twist and tangle them all in the wrong direction, like the wires at the back of the television. All Tangled up and they don’t work unless you plug the right one in and they all flow together. I can tell you this body is not flowing together.
FUCK OFF PAIN! Why won’t the pain just fuck off?
Excuse my French. I don’t usually curse. Only when I am VERY angry, and that is obvious that I am. But god damn jebus almighty this is agony. *RAWWWWR* I cannot stand this shite anymore. If the next doctor I see says “hmmmm sure come back to me in 3 weeks after these tablets and well go from there?” I will literally probably snap like one of these muscles is about to.
To wake up every morning, dreading the thought of even moving to go to the bathroom, to get changed, the amount of effort that takes. I cannot wear the clothes I really want to wear, because I need to be comfortable and well Iv’e gained weight and don’t fit into them because ever since this back/hip pain hit me, Iv’e been someone who eats their feelings, and not eating well I tell you that. I am sick to death (I actually feel like I am going to die #justsaying) of waking up trying to find the hope and strength to make me get up out of bed, to force myself to all through the pain until I can tolerate it.
I don’t know it is paranoia? me over thinking? the truth? reality? god knows what, but I feel, I KNOW there is something else wrong with my body other than Fybromyalgia, and ‘possibly’ Hypermobility. I know, this is my body, 2 years ago I knew what feeling healthy and normal felt like, so this is NOT in my head, I have never experienced pain to this level and I know something is causing it.
It is hard to find more motivation. After a while, when searching for a diagnosis I can fully work with to help live with whatever the fudge actually IS wrong with me, doesn’t pop up? I get more and more hopeless. I want help, I need help. So why are these doctors not helping me, NOT FIXING THIS SHITTY BACK AND SET OF HIPS?
I don’t have a effing notion.