What is it about life that makes you sit there, think, wonder & contemplate every LITTLE thing you’ve ever done/wanted to do and might even end up doing? I think life is meant to be stimulating & captivating. Which is why good & bad things crop up and leave you ‘indecisive’ & scared of which choice to make? Which one will be the right one?
Why did I do that? Why didn’t I say this? What if this doesn’t happen? What if things change? I should have done more, I could have done more!! Past? It’s in the past. Its over & gone, but indeed, sometimes not forgotten. All you can do is try make the present time that bit better, enjoy some clear sailing & try not to fear the future. Sounds easier than it is? I know I know.
My lovely cousin sent me a message a few days ago when I was feeling, rather down, scared, like giving up on making an effort, full of fear about my health, I was scared, I feared the doctors were going to tell me life threatening news, I literally was expecting the worst, because my mother and father never had the best of health conditions. But that’s what we as society do isn’t it? Expect the worst? And act shocked when it happens. Why? I don’t know but I would like to change that.
This was a a message he sent :
“You know, worrying about things can make you sick so if your worrying about anything, you should talk to one of us because if your worrying about the future, don’t, its going to come no matter what, just save some money for a rainy day but dont forget to do things and get stuff for yourself, live for now, thats how you should live & if your worrying about the past, no point, it has already happened, I know its hard to let go but your mother and father would want you to be happy and not to worry about whats to come, you need to live life, go travelling, do something that gets you out of Tralee from anything that is causing worrying in your life because if there is a problem there is an old saying, a problem shared is a problem solved, because we all love you Alanna girl, and I worry about you because your like my little sister and I want you to be happy and you can always talk to me 🙂 ”
You can guess yourself how I felt afterwards? (Hint Hint, *nudge nudge* It touches on the meaning of the word special)
My friends & family make life enjoyable for me. There always there. Some are gone, and will never come back, I’ll never see some people, ever again. I try be there for those close to me as best that I personally can. Truthfully I try my best, while trying to keep myself going at the same time. With my health, camera work, messed up mind, I don’t know, have I been there enough for you all? Tell me if not, I will do anything for those who are there for me.
Went to the hospital over the weekend, I was there for a long time, understandable. I got some reading done though, finally getting back into books again. I also met a male patient in there, he was in there due to the same lung collapsing for the third time since December, you know what he said going in for his x-ray? “Good afternoon ladies, let me tell ye give up smoking if ye do so” On his way out I questioned, if he gave up? No. Definition of insanity eh? Repeat the same habit over & over and expecting different results? as Einstein himself said. I believe I myself am insane. (he didn’t say it about me, myself, but I think you get what I mean)
I have Gastritis. It Gas!…. My belly is twice the size it usually is as it is all swelt up. If you know me? You’ll know that my belly in general is something I am paranoid about in the first place. Now? Sweatshirts and baggy hoodys will be worn more than ever. (Secretly I am delighted I have to dress comfy) I am on medicine called “Protium” for a month, At first I thought the doctor said Protein, I was sickened I though I’d finally be buff & have an arse like Jen Selters! (*que the google tab to search for ‘Jen Selter’s bottom’*) Id advise it, this woman has a badonk I could only dream of. (In a non sexual way, I promise *cough cough*) I can’t, well shouldn’t have dairy (I’ll fail at this) and try Gluten Free for a while so that I feel better. That? I may be able to work with.
I went to the Graveyard not one, but two parents today! Of my mom and dad today. Yes a day trip to go see two graves in the one day? A very strange “road trip” from the ones most girls have. One Grave (my dad’s) is in Causeway, the other (my mama’s) in Tralee, some close friends came with me, which was…different. It was strange. To have my friends there with me, people who I am now really close to but didn’t know me at all at the time my parents passed away. It was nice to let them see that side of my life, It lets them in a bit more. I keep true feelings to myself a lot. I deal with a lot inside myself, crying, alone, in my bed where I feel no one will ever know the real me. But today I felt a bit lighter, a bit more open, kind of naked in a way (not literally, I think I’d get arrested, and twas a bit too chilly) that they could see me at my own fathers graveside and imagine how I felt. A very strange feeling of happiness came over me though, it beat the sadness up the arse, the fact that they were there with me? It really does prove that people are what keep you going, and I will always try surround myself with these amazing folk.