I am a mess. Yes, Its true.

I am writing this right now, because, I am fudging tired, (and I need to give myself a kick up the hiney)  I am tired in general, tired of pain, tired of myself...tired. I dislike myself a lot right now. Why? I don’t feel like myself, I feel down, a lot less happy, a bit disorientated, absent minded, and  lost. I feel I have 101 things buzzing around in my head & I cant focus & work on one exact thing. I feel everything is so scattered and I don’t know where all the pieces are gone. Which is I guess, kind of how life is anyway right? Life is similar to a hard jigsaw puzzle, finding/losing pieces! Not sure where pieces go? Do you trust someone else to help you do it? Just ‘in-case‘ they mess up the work you’ve done? Eventually…you ‘might’ finish the Jigsaw, but what’s to stop it all falling apart again?

(Extra strong super glue, Obviously that is the key to a successful life, Finally I solved the riddle)

photo (5)
I hear I look like a waitress in this?

I try and try to keep going everyday, I will continue to do so. Some days, a lot of them recently, I ask myself “What the hell do I have to do to make this better?” I cannot find the answer. I have tried long & hard to help get my back/neck/hips fixed and I am SO FRUSTRATED. I feel like an egg, that is constantly boiling, and the cracks are slowly all forming together, I am so tired of trying. Its bad to say, I know,it’s not my usual way of thinking. But it happens to us all time to time. But yes, I am just so tired of trying to keep my mind & body going. I feel like giving up on a lot of things, crawling into my lovely warm bed and never attempting to move from the god damn thing again. I want to go punch something, right now, I want to go ‘punch’ a big foam teddy (I don’t want to hurt myself like). I feel like im heading down a bad road. So right now? I have to stop myself taking that turn. I dont know how, but Ill try figure it out.

 

I cannot take that turn. Its a “No Entry” zone to me. I cannot head down a road into a state of depression that you cannot turn back from. Why? No.1, I don’t want too, I want to live life, & No.2 Because I promised my dad I would always try to keep going and say “I can”. Why should I keep that promise to him, hmm? Why should I keep any promise to someone who committed suicide in our family home? Who I loved more than anything/anyone in the world? More than I will ever love anyone else for the rest of my life? (I know its not possible. Because I will probably never let someone get that close to me due to me fear of losing anyone and going through this pain again.)

Maybe I will? But I, right now, cannot see it happening. I am keeping my promise because he was a good/honest/loving man I admired, I literally always had such pride in my father. Sometimes, maybe he went about things the wrong way & one may have wondered ‘why do that?‘ But if you saw beyond the action, (which I do/did) there was always a more positive reason behind anything he had done. I try to do that, sometimes, I may do something and one may question me, why? I always do have a helpful/positive reason behind many things I do. I promise you all that, even if you cant see it.

who would want to wake up next to that?
who would want to wake up next to that?

I am finding  life hard right now, this is true. I have had many nights the last month where I have bawled in hysterics to the point of a serious headache and I just drift off into my sleep that I adore. I don’t let people see this side of me, but I am saying it does happen. I know this happens to many people, I wish it didn’t. We all know/are people who do so. But The way to get yourself out of it is to be grateful for what you have. Think to yourself right now, what are three things you are grateful for RIGHT NOW?

 

Exactly, It is the simple things that make this life, worthwhile.

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2 thoughts on “I am a mess. Yes, Its true.

  1. focus, and keep strong my friend. It’s never easy, and you’ve had a much harder time of things than most in your young life. Keep strong, but let yourself cry when you need to cry. Talk to friends when you need to talk to someone. You’re a wonderful person, and never forget it.

  2. Mabye I’m not the greatest person to give advice as I’m only 16 and stuffs, I can’t even imagine the pain you have gone through with this and to still be standing here after all that is a tribute to your strength as a person, But never lose hope, Don’t allow the hurt to take over cause along with that comes depression and a whole bunch of other crap that isnt nice, as hard as it is all of it will pass, just keep movie keep socially active you cant let depression or hurt come over you not when you’ve come through it all, You are a strong person to have come through this. You can do it

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