Would I be happier if I wasn’t struggling with a yet to be diagnosed ‘Illness’? I use quotation marks because… well…Christ knows what the hell..heaven? Is up/down/twirling around with me.
Honestly? Yes, I believe I would be happier if my back/hip pain never began. As ever since it started it’s bull crap, of messing with my physical body, my mental health has crumbled like a pie. Some days I am stuck to my bed, not literally, I’m not a piece of Velcro. (But how fun would that be?! Free travel while stuck on the back of a bus) It’s that I cannot move. Point blank. So what am I going to do while in bed/on a couch all day? THINK! OVER THINK! & THINK some more. I ‘think‘ I made my point?
Has there ever been a point in your life where you have hit, what you, yourself hope & pray to Jebus is the edgy rock bottom of your life? A time where there are many issues getting you down, but you know, your chilling, you are getting by, you got swag, your “coping”, but then there is that one specific issue…that is like the King of all your issues! That wont give up the crown jewels & just fook off and give up its reign? “All hail King Jackass” Yes? No? I’m certain, many people relate to this. That there is one thing in your life that has happened or is happening right now, that you just think to yourself, “If this issue never existed in my life I would be juuust fine“. I believe its true relating to me and my pain, but that’s me. We all differ…Just like doctors.
My main struggle right now is “GET THE RIGHT DOCTOR TO HELP INVESTIGATE THIS BODY” as I KNOW, I mean that, I know there is something serious going on that is pulling my body apart, I cannot walk straight, I cannot get up in the mornings, I cannot dress the way I want, as I feel like a plonker when I am out n’about in funky clothing limping around town. So guess what? Ill throw on the baggiest pair of baggy tracksuit bottoms and a hoody that is obviously way too big. Why?
So I can hide this body, whatever is wrong with me, I feel hidden away and like I am protected. I get sad, embarrassed, angry, frustrated that I cannot just randomly go for walks. That it has to be a “good” day for me to be able to do something. Plans with friends? Sometimes they never happen && I feel terrible. I feel bad for friends as I may have to cancel & I also feel bad about myself, because I am letting them down due to something, I myself cannot frickin help! DONKEY BAWLS!
Recently I have been feeling very low. I have been told many times I have depression, but I always ignore that. Always. That word to me is a word I dislike, after my dad ♥ Just like the word Cancer, after my mom ♥ I don’t like hearing them or dealing with them. Which I know, I need to change.
Last week, for the first time, in a long long time, maybe ever really? Besides the time my father passed away, I cried late night to my two friends Michelle & Celine & also another night to Hutchy. I felt I had literally gone past the stage of caring. All week I was fed up of caring. How HORRIBLE of me is that?! I didn’t feel like anything, at all, mattered. I didn’t, feel. Oh of course, deep down, I knew I was kidding myself, deep down I was saying how my friends, my family, they matter Alanna, they matter! Indeed, they are all that matter in the world to me. This other voice in my mind crept through sneakily though , saying “who really gives a crap, when there is so many lies & greed existing in this world” I felt weird. Not like myself. All those thoughts? Are not thoughts of me, Alanna. They are gone forever now. It was like an Angel/Devil situation inside my mind.….
Like Two extremes : Cheese & Onion vs. Salt n’Vineagar.
The Girls & Hutchy made me realize, I am making my situation worse. I am not helping myself. Do I even want to help myself I ask? YES! I have too many dreams, & many people to make proud. Now more than ever, especially.
I am having another MRI in Dublin soon, this nearly 2 year long search to fix/improve my health issues, is still in full motion && eventually I will get an answer….Even if it is one I don’t want to hear.