You ever look in the mirror and want to PUNCH the stupid face in the shiny reflective square staring back at you?
I’m surprised I have not done so...Yet.
This one time...2 or so years ago I loved my body. I had recovered from Anorexia, started going to the gym, dancing, running, eating healthily. I was straight up proud of my body. I felt like Beyonce. I showed it off wearing hot pants, belly tops & knee high socks every where I went. I was delighted, the gym paid off. I never thought I ever would be happy or healthy after dropping to 6 stone while sick. But I did, I was truly happy. “Happy as a Hippo” (quote from Along came Polly)
But then, as I was living life, enjoying my exercise and eating actual meals again. A hot cheesey lasagna didn’t scare me! My back started to get sore, then my muscles, then my hips, and my pain started to eat at me more & more every day and now? I let it control my life. I do this, not because I am weak, but because continuously fighting something unknown? Has taken its toll on my physical & mental state. Iv’e been gaining weight, *insert Beyonce Drunk In Love hungry edition* Yes, in the last 2 years I have gained 2 & a half stone due to my back pain, and that, happening to me? A person who used to deal with releasing anger, sadness, frustration through a physical activity such as running and dancing, is a really bad thing. My coping mechanism was non-existent, and my dad was also gone, so I turned to food and lazing around, and slowly but surely I always lose hope. I gain it back but I lose it as easily as I lose my keys.
It is not exactly my body image itself that I hate. It is the inside, the fact I am not who I want to be, I cannot even go for a walk without preparation and we still don’t know exactly why? Or how to manage it. The frustration is hard to deal with. Its like Miley is flying at me with a wrecking ball every few days.
I Found out today after yet another MRI, that I have gluteal tendonitis. That would be where my tendons in my bum bum are mis-behaving. Woo. My ass has its own specific problem. Terrific…No squats for me. The dream of having Iggy Azealea’s ass will have to wait…. for now.
I also have fluid in my hips, but I’m sure that can be drained right?
I want to get back on track, I want to start going for more walks, eating well, sticking to my medication and dealing with it, until a clear diagnosis with exact medication comes knocking at my door. Some mornings though I literally can not get up. Literally. This whole process is very long && frustrating. Seeing everyone else moving on and doing everyday normal things with their lives? I’m not going to lie annoys me, that I cannot join in with them too.
It is not their fault though, I am jealous, but without reason to be honest. I don’t want to be jealous, I want to live my life. It’s just a matter of time, all my truly amazing friends tell me. It’s been over two years since my dad left me though and the pain of that? Still has not eased one bit, if anything it has gotten worse. I need him here to help me. Therefore I find it hard to believe in this “time heals” thing. I know it is true, I have to believe its true. Otherwise I have nothing to believe in.
What do I want to be in life? Happy.
Simple as right? …. We all know it’s not unfortunately.
So what am I going to do to get myself happy?
Believe in my dreams. I do have “dream big” inked on myself so I better listen to myself eh?
I will happily be able to sing & dance & slut drop like Rihanna around my bedroom again.
Here is a song I sing for my daddy all the time in my room. I really miss him right now.