Isn’t life suppose to be about enjoying yourself? Being happy? Meeting new people && making friends? Living your life for yourself as best as you can through all the hard times/difficulties you experience?
Is it? Is that what life is suppose to be about?
Being sad? Being happy?
Or is it to just live and see what cards you get dealt. It’s not always Kings & Queens either.
“I don’t know”
It is hard to satisfy yourself & everyone around you also. Wouldn’t you agree? You want to be happy, but you don’t want to see others unhappy or let down by you either. That’s how I feel anyway.
Every person is different. That’s interesting right? We are a diverse kind & all have different beliefs, ideas , views on all the issues in this World. Right now, there are countless unfortunate events taking place… there are many Social, Political, Economic and Environmental issues that affect us all and it is us as people who are the cause of everything that happens in this world. Which says something about how we as humans can be. Good & Bad.
I know I sound like that girl from Mean Girls… “ I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...” Yeah that would be great & all! But…
Cake everyday is not good for you. Cake is great!
I don’t know how happy I have been in general lately. Not very, regarding my mood. It is hard to know myself how I am. If someone asked me ‘how are you Alanna?’ and I had to answer right now. I would say : ‘I am happy, sad, anxious, excited, nervous, tired, sore, stressed, grateful, confused, guilty, content’ etc. So how can anyone else tell how I am? When I am unsure myself.
Someday’s I feel distant from other people. I talk to my family, I talk to my friends, (I may even talk to myself..ssshh) Sometimes I feel I cannot satisfy everyone & myself all at the same time. My good friend Kiwi said ‘not everyone should like you‘, so that I must learn to accept. I try my best to make a effort with my friends, family, boyfriend && myself. I feel I am failing at this recently, and I feel this overpowering feeling of guilt if I feel I let anyone bar myself down. With my back/muscle/stress issues sometimes…Well, I feel, I don’t know how to explain myself really. I feel terrible about myself and feel guilty if i try make plans and have to cancel or change plans, due to things I cannot change. It is hard to explain as truly I don’t have a exact diagnosis bar Fybromyalgia at the moment, my doctor is onto something else, but its taking time, but I am still on the hunt to figure out why my stabilizer muscles have just stopped working. Wish we all had muscles like Dwayne Johnson eh?
I have experienced a lot of stress in the last three years. A hell of a lot more than for what I can handle. Which is embarrassing to say but its true. My body doesn’t know exactly how to deal with stress, anxiety, grief, and pain I feel. I want to make myself happy, but I never do, and if I do make myself happy that means I cannot make everyone else happy, && then the guilt strikes me, so even if I do something good for myself … I will in turn still be upset if I let someone else down. Vicious cycle eh? I want to let myself be happy.
I thank all my friends & family for sticking with me through all these ups & down ❤
I am confused at how I should act, what I should say, Mistakes are to be made and maybe this age is the time one should make the most?
I am only 20 after all, I have a lot to learn.
Am I wrong?