Fudge Cake. Is my way of say F*ck Sake.

Lately. As in in the last 2 – 3 weeks. My pain regarding muscle pain has been at it’s utmost high.

My shoulders are hard to keep upright. I feel they are weighing my body down, my back muscles are so tight they are spassmed into what feels like constant knots, && all this has made depression I have bounce back to me in an abundance. It had left me for a while but these past 5- 6 months. It’s made a mark and has stayed. 

I feel spaced out. I feel out of it. I feel like I don’t care about myself as a person. I have not been treating myself well. Food wise, Sleep Wise, Exercise wise, Relationship wise. Just in every which direction. Why? I feel no motivation too. I feel very little. This makes me sad, and probably any of you who are reading this sad, especially if you feel the same. But it is, how I feel. That’s me.

I find it very hard to explain this face to face to friends & family for fear of breaking down & fear of getting frustrated with people I care for. I get frustrated easily & I do not want to take it out on those around me, that is why I rarely want to talk about it, for fear of getting snappy with you all, that is not who I want to be. I still cannot do very much in that moment when talking to you to change things, so I fear feeling completely vulnerable. I know ya’ll are there for me to talk to, thank you, but for now, this writing thing I am doing I know is what is working best for me, so I am doing it so I know I am starting somewhere. 

What is it that is so bad about your life Alanna that you go through these times of feeling so low?Nothing. I have a pretty good life. I do. I have friends surrounding me. I have Family I know I can always go too. I have the help of professionals now & then when I feel up to it. I have a nice home. I have had a once in a lifetime experience this year with ‘Connected’. I have my uncle to help me learn how to drive. I have a laptop. I have a phone. I have food in my press. I have my music. I have a boyfriend whom I love. I have fantastic memories of my childhood with my parents.

Rachel, Fiona & I. Just 2 of my great friends.


Still…I feel like like a spaced out fairy. Why? Why? Fudging hell, Why you spoilt little bitch? 

Pain. I am suffering from so much pain. It is hard to do anything else when even lifting my arm up to put on a t-shirt lately feels like I have ran a few miles and stiffened up the morning up due to not stretching. When in reality, I am just putting on a t-shirt. I don’t like this feeling. I hope it passes. It has done before. But I just know it is I who has to help myself. You can have lots of support, if you go out and ask and look for it. Which thankfully & gratefully know that I have that with whom I surround myself with. I know one cannot see the pain. It’s not like you are looking at someone with a broken leg etc. But trust me, I have had a broken ankle before, this pain? Is worse than 10 broken ankles. 

This physical pain is affecting my mental health a lot. An awful lot. There is nothing anyone can do regarding my physical health. My friends & family are not doctors, they cannot change this, but they do help a lot more than doctors. Doctors cannot seem to help this, many of them have all dis agreed with each other over what is wrong with me, what does that do for me? Nothing. One doctor said ‘your confusing arnt you, it’s strange‘ about my pain, that didn’t go down well. I get stressed over the pain, & that makes the pain worse…*screams*  What can I do?! I don’t know. I have tried so many things. I need it to leave me. Now . I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much. Leave me alone. Go away pain && leave me live my life.

I want to live my life. Not wake up suffering and worrying over the day ahead and what I can & cannot do, whom I will be able to and not able to meet up with? I barely see my family anymore as I cannot walk up to their houses without pain, I hate asking for lifts. Why? I want to live life for myself & not need people to help me. I want to be independent. 

I know friends and family may say talking to me or this friend or that friend personally will help you. It doesn’t help me. I know me, and that doesn’t help me. It makes me worse, we are all different. But I am so grateful they are there for me, I am here for anyone if they want to talk, I promise that. But I just don’t like that route for me, myself & I.

Why doesn’t it help you Alanna?‘ It is hard to get one to understand a specific pain unless you experience it. I thought I understood depression when I was 13 14. I did not. I did not at all. I had an ‘idea’ but thought ‘ah tis grand you will be fine towards people suffering. I thought would they just ‘get over it, it’s not so bad What a bitch. Then at 16/17, I finally understood the feeling, when I felt something I never felt before, depression. This pain on top of it, is shit.

A Happier Time. Hope to be back there soon.

So yes, I find it hard to talk to people about this pain as I know it is hard for them to understand what it is like, and I do not want to get frustrated at friends/family. Just like how If I was conversing with someone suffering from hair loss, someone who has been in prison, someone who has lost their whole family, someone who had to do a career their parents pushed them towards, someone who is homeless, someone who has no friends, someone who has no food in the press, someone who cannot even look in a mirror, someone suffering from Cancer, someone who was in a car crash, someone who has lost a sibling. I would have no clue how they are feeling. I’m sure if I gave them advice, they would listen but inside be frustrated at me if I gave the wrong advice/answer to their question in their mind of ‘What do I do?!’ pleading for help inside their mind.

So yes, I am someone who lost her mother at 11 from Cancer, her father at 18 through Suicide & since that has suffered through these traumatic experiences & it has resulted in me developing a chronic pain illness, be it Fybromyalgia as some doctors say, or be it extreme the worry & stress I keep inside that has resulted in me developing this illness. I’m sure some may find it hard to understand, and give me the help I am pleading for in my mind too.

We all have things we cannot deal with well & I just  know I have to pull more strength out of my arse to get myself through all this without having a complete mental breakdown.

This ‘blogging’ is how I am taking care of my mental health, and I can honestly say I feel a sigh of relief coming on right now, after frantically typing this whole post && getting what is on my mind out there the only way I feel comfortable doing so.

I feel better now. Yup I do. I was stressed, hurt, crying when I started typing this, but now I am going for a walk *waddle* in the fresh air as I feel lighter. This is how I prove that blogging is what helps my mental health.

Peace out.


5 thoughts on “Fudge Cake. Is my way of say F*ck Sake.

  1. Do you like reading? Whenever I’m feeling down I read this book called ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and it makes me happy.

  2. I’m really sorry that you are going through that. I cant say I have been where you are, because the fact is that no human has ever experienced exactly what others have experienced. But I know what its like to be sick like you are, and to feel guilty about being sick too. My thoughts are with you. I wish I could give you more support than that! *Hugs*

  3. Alanna, I just wanted to express my genuine compassion for you…I think you are such a wonderful person (even though I do not know you personally). I believe that you will have touched a large amount of young people’s lives with your honesty and pain, I can only imagine how hard it is for you but sometimes all it takes is for someone to admit that things are not ok and then u realise that a lot of people have had similar pains (both emotional and physical) too…and it always helps to share because you realise you are not alone in it. But if the blogging is what works for you then that is great, keep doing it…and that in itself will give you the independence you crave! I know its hard talking about the pain and the lack of enthusiasm you have….I know its hard to “look after” yourself when you are feeling extremely low, but know that you are doing the best that you can at this point in time, and when you are ready, you will be able to focus on eating better n doing the exercise like u mentioned above. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can and I truly believe that you have helped more people with your honesty than you could ever imagine.

  4. Hi Alanna,

    I wonder if you have ever tried any alternative therapies? I have had illnesses myself in the past and find that if you go to a doctor, they like to throw pills at the problem and hopes it sorts itself out. If that doesn’t work, then maybe surgery is in order; a pop and slash approach.

    Now I know we have western medicine to thank for many things, it is good at treating some illnesses that we couldn’t otherwise treat, but is not the be-all and end-all. It doesn’t know everything and even if there is a diagnosis, there is never asked why – why did this happen to me.

    I believe acupuncture may be beneficial for you, it may help to relieve some of the pain you are experiencing. I sincerely hope you will look into this, as it may play a part in helping your everyday well-being.

    In TCM – Traditional Chinese Medicine, the root cause of symptoms is sought out. Why is this happening to me? It’s a combination of many things – diet, lifestyle, exercise patterns, our external environment and yes – importantly – our emotions.

    The kidneys are the organs of fear and fright, which if not dealt with, can lead to chronic conditions, as you are experiencing. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with the losses that you have, but it is clear, these emotions are what is taking a toll on your physical health. The kidneys are seated on either side of the small of your back – which from what I’ve seen you mention is where your pain is. Also dark circles under your eyes are another sign of kidney imbalance – please don’t take this as any kind of criticism of your appearance, you are a beautiful girl.

    My advice to you would be to see a herbal practitioner, who can help you restore balance back to your body and an acupuncturist. It has taken me years, of reclaiming my own health from the hands of doctors to look down another path. It is not a quick fix – “a magic pill”. It would take a combination of diet, exercise, herbs and acupuncture and some time. I don’t claim any magic cure, I just think, it could put you in a better place than you are now.

    If you do look into this, please find someone reputable, who knows what they are doing and are experienced, do your research. I really hope you will find something small here, even a little hope, that things don’t have to stay the way they have been.

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