I wanted to make this video to show people that when you feel like giving up on life? And you feel like you will never, ever be happy in life again? Like nothing can possibly ever get better? That it can. I’m proof it can, so I hope this video helps you if you unfortunately feel the way I once felt, for a very long time. I thought life would never be enjoyable, ever again. Literally. Now? I love life, I smile, I laugh, I have goals, even bigger dreams and I freaking love my friends and family. There the rocks that keep you going when your down, even if you feel like no one is around? Trust me, there always creeping around somewhere. 🙂
I found a diary entry from 19th September 2011 and I decided to read it out in a Vlog. I remember that time in my life I was depressed, recovering from anorexia, anxious, and my negative thoughts controlled my mind, I felt numb and had no motivation to even get out of bed. My dad had depression at the time and was not himself, in any way, he was for sure controlled by his thoughts and it was making life a severe struggle for him. He was saying/doing things I didn’t understand and I knew weren’t him. It was his illness.
Two months after I wrote the diary entry I went through my first break up at 18 while I was already depressed and was someone I didn’t understand. I pushed people away from me, even though it made me feel more alone. I didn’t feel like turning to friends at that time, I only wanted to console in my dad, but he couldn’t hold a conversation as his mind was consumed by disturbing thoughts. You could see it in him. Now when I look back? It was so clear. Then 2 months later, the day after New Years he committed suicide in our garage. I felt more numb than I hope I ever feel in my life for a good while after that. I lost the only person I personally felt like I could trust, console in, talk too, and have a laugh with. When I went back to our home for the first time, where my dad & I lived, I broke down on the stairs, I couldn’t make it up to his bedroom, I remember looking in, knowing I would never wake him up with a cup of tea again, or that he would never turn off the hall light when I roared at him from upstairs as I wouldn’t get out of bed. Srsly…How lazy was I?
Now, just over 4 years later and I am in no way numb to life anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts, I don’t have bad thoughts, I miss my dad like crazy, but he is what gives me strength, which, is ironic eh. But he’s still with me. I honestly appreciate everything in life. From the fresh pair of fluffy socks I put on when I get in from class to the lift I get from my brother and uncle when it’s raining to the amazing people that surround me.
At the end of this video I talk about how you have to make you happy before anyone else. I only realized that the last year. Better late than never. I firmly believe that you will be much happier in life once you are happy with yourself. I have began to work on many sides of myself in the last 3-4 months. I have a long way to go, but to be happy with yourself? You have to do what’s right for you and make you happy. Whether it’s be a doctor, a taxi driver, a deli worker, a pilot, a vlogger *cough cough*, a carer, a dentist, a retail worker. Do what’s right for you and what makes you happy and life will feel a lot easier. Life is too short to not do the things that make YOU happy.