Dear Alanna | 3rd January 2012

This diary entry is a sensitive one. With Dear Alanna I take exactly what I wrote by hand & type it up here. This entry was written the day after my father passed away after committing suicide in 2012. Now, over 4 & a half years later, I have different views on some thing’s I wrote below, as this was all written in the moment, at an extremely difficult time. I don’t think I was even in my own body at that time. I just thought sharing this. Might help someone.

(p.s – what I have written in brackets is additional information I added today to help make things clearer)

Dear Alanna, 

I am lying on my grandfathers couch. My brother and auntie are upstairs trying to get some sleep. Bless them. It was just last night the love of my life, died. My father, Kevin Diggin. The most amazing, caring, funny, loving & once carefree spirit you could meet. He was always there when I needed him. 

I’ll always wish I could talk to him again. I was in a dark place last year, he helped me through it. (I suffered with anorexia/depression/suicidal thoughts) He never said I was ‘silly,’ or ‘mad’, or anything I said I was. He always told me never give up, don’t give a crap what everyone else thinks. Live life for yourself, which is not what he done. (I also still struggle with that one) He lived his life for me and the ones he loved. He brought me to the doctors to speak to them when times were hard for me and he was always there through my hard times. (a time where all I wanted to do was end my own life)

I can’t believe I’m never going to chat with him again or hear him go ‘HELLO?!’ When he walked in the front door. I just want to make him one more cup of tea – decaf that is

Like he is/was such a good person. And everyone knew he spoiled me. He brought me up to be who I am. Handball training with my dad will always be an amazing memory. Going for a walk on the beach or watching Lee Evans. I haven’t heard my dad laugh in so long. I loved hearing him laugh. I just can’t believe I wont be able to look into his eyes again.

Just yesterday he woke me up for work, and he dropped me off. I don’t know did he have it planned. I mean, he knew it would probably be me who would find him, as it was just us two living together (he wasn’t thinking straight Alanna). But it was my granddad and my brother. I love them so much also. I always will. They loved my dad so much too, so much (as did many people). I just wan’t my dad back. If my dad could see me & everyone now? He wouldn’t have done this. I know it. He wouldn’t have wanted us to feel pain like this (reading this makes me sad that I once felt like he purposely done this too us, he didn’t do anything to anyone, he couldn’t help it, he was ill, I feel terrible).

He gave me a hug & a kiss Monday, he said ‘I love you’. The look he gave me, made me cry. It wasn’t my dad. I could see a dark demon taking over him, looking at me praying for help. But I didn’t give it, I haven’t seen  my father in month’s. He changed, this dark cloud took over him and was making it hard for him to escape. My poor dad. The last message he sent me was on the 31st December 2011 – 23:48 pm “Happy new year alanna”… I love him. I always will. He wanted a release. This was his way. It was wrong of him (Wrong of him? What was I thinking writing this?!). He did not think this through. He was thinking about it, but I didn’t believe he would do it. I love you dad. 

 I know. Some may think. Bit much sharing some diary entries to the world don’t you think?! No. I don’t. Each to their own. It’s what works for me. I am in a happy place right now because I am living my life for me as best as I can. The time I wrote this? I truly thought. I will never be happy again, that it literally would be impossible. But… Iv’e truly smiled many a time since these days, and that’s something I’m happy about. Life can be good & bad. We all know that.

Focusing on the good is way easier.