A Diary Entry From Today | February 2nd, 2017

First off. I have a song linked at the end of this post. Listen too it. Really listen to it. It’s beautiful. It’s a song that makes me feel really calm. Might help you too?

Right now? Literally. Right in this moment. I feel a bit low. I would write in my own handwritten diary usually…but right now? I feel like sharing. I don’t know what this post is about nor what I want it to be about. This is just my mind, thinking, && me typing out what it’s thinking.

I am one who has learned how to recognize my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts a lot better the last few years. It took me a while growing up. I never thought about recognizing and actually thinking about how I felt as a child/teenager. I should have learned a bit more about that in school I feel.

As a teenager, if I felt something? I acted along with it, naturally. I Didn’t think no more about it. “This is how I feel, deal with it, don’t question it, this is just happening” – was my teen brains thought process.

My actions from teen years were as follow’s : 

Tired? Stay up late, skip school, go in late.

Curious? Don’t ask questions. That’s too scary, get other people to ask your questions for you. 

Tempermental? I’d break a cup. Scream. Throw Books. Slam doors. Boy, did I slam doors.

Angry? I’d curse out my dad.

Sad? I’d cry to my dad.

Happy? Never question’d why I was happy or learned what truly made me ‘feel’ happy. Mind you, I knew sport made me happy. And my best friend up the road. Them two thing’s were massive parts of me growing up.

Let’s fast forward up to now again – 

Now? When I am happy? I can recognize that I am happy and you know what? It feels effing fantasmical.

If I’m sad? know how I can make myself feel a little better, if I feel up too it.. as sometimes? I just let myself be sad. I listen to music, or watch a film. If I don’t know what sad is? How can I ever really know what happy is? Ya get me?

If I’m happy? I’ll play on that & go after my dreams little by little, I’ll create, or I’ll go outside on a walk, a cycle, an outdoor adventure with friends and enjoy life as best as I can.

I truly appreciate many things in life. Little & Large. You should see how happy I was one time my friend brought me a Father Eddo Bar (Freddddo), when I meet my bestie from Killarney for our random rare days we get together, when I get a text from my sister last minute saying ‘She’s in for the night‘, when I get a missed call from my Granda as I know he’s thinking of me and ask’s me too many questions about myself, when I see a little gift I know I can get someone, even when I think of a lovely memory, which, even though it might hurt to think about certain people/certain times? I’m still grateful for having being granted those good memories and even when I hear the kettle boil I get happy. So many thing’s bring me joy.

I like to think I can bring that joy to other peoples lives. Yet somehow, lately, even as sure as I am of who I am, as sure as I am about what it is I enjoy in life, what I am passionate about, what I am all about? I do go through a day or two now & then, not often, where I question myself with the following ‘Do I bring joy to other people’s lives?‘… Do you ever wonder that?

If I ever feel like I need to talk? I will. I always do, when I know I need too. Iv’e learned it does help me when I need to do so.

Sometimes I don’t talk to people about something that’s upsetting me, that’s not because I find it hard or anything encase your thinking that while reading this. I can talk to people easily, really easily nowadays, just it depends if I actually honestly want too. Or, who I want to talk too, who I know know’s me and who will really listen to the words I’m saying. That’s important in life I think. To surround yourself with people who listen, who want to listen to all the ramblings in your mind yanno?

Sometimes I like to deal with my own things myself, so I know for sure how I feel about something. My own little bubble. I know I write & make video’s but there is still a lot, a hell of a lot of my own thoughts I keep to just me, for just me. Iv’e opened all my thoughts, literally all of my thoughts and emotions up to one person in the last 5 years.Maybe I will again. Maybe I won’t. That’s for me see how I want my life to go.

This helped me a little bit. I felt a bit low. This eased my mind as I enjoy writing. If you read this? Then thank you, I hope I…I dunno really. I hope you enjoyed reading this and maybe you learned something? If not? Then that’s OK too. But really, check out that song below.

I’ll sign this off as my nickname from a lady I miss dearly, Banana x